


State of Grace

by LadyEnterprise1701



Series: Two Halves of the Same Protagonist [3]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: (eventually) - Freeform, Devoted Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, F/M, Force Dyad (Star Wars), Getting to Know Each Other, Leading up to my full re-write of The Rise of Skywalker WHOOHOO, Married Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Part of my Last Jedi AU universe!, Redeemed Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:20:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28179732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyEnterprise1701/pseuds/LadyEnterprise1701
Summary: Snoke is dead, the Resistance is recovering from the Battle of Crait...and Ben and Rey are training, healing, preparing for an eventual, inevitable showdown with Supreme Leader Hux, and finally getting to know each other on Takodana. There'll be hurdles, squabbles, revelations, and terrors--but there will also be important conversations, laughter, snow days, rewarding work, and a growing trust and love that no Darkness can shake.Follows my Last Jedi AU, "Brave the Wilderness"--I cheerfully recommend reading that first before you read this one!
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: Two Halves of the Same Protagonist [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2047505
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	1. The Worthwhile Fight

**Author's Note:**

> Back in June, when I posted the final chapter of "Brave the Wilderness," I said I had ideas for a sequel. Well, here it is, FINALLY!! If this creative streak I'm currently enjoying keeps burning brightly, I may even publish the third installment--a full Rise of Skywalker re-write--sometime in 2021! 
> 
> This second installment is complete, though, so I'm going to go ahead and post all five chapters in one fell swoop. I am quickly building a nice little alternate universe for Ben Solo and Rey Skywalker here on AO3 :)

_This is a state of grace_

_This is the worthwhile fight_

_Love is a ruthless game_

_Unless you play it good and right_

_These are the hands of fate_

_You’re my Achilles heel_

_This is the golden age of something good_

_And right and real_

_—Taylor Swift, “State of Grace”_

Their relationship—whatever it was—would always be bizarre. Even though Rey hadn’t had much experience where _any_ kind of relationship was concerned, she knew it probably wasn’t normal procedure to see someone for the first time and immediately think, _Ah-hah…found you._

She hadn’t recognized that thought in the heat of the moment, of course. You didn’t pay attention to what your subconscious was thinking while someone else was trying to sift a top-secret map out of your head. But later, when she had time to look back on that ferocious battle of wills inside Starkiller Base, she recalled the sensation she’d felt the moment their minds met…as if something had finally _clicked_ into place.

She’d felt it again on Ach-To as they tested their inexplicable connection across space, slowly reaching a point where they dared to confide in each other. To her, he eventually felt safe; he told her later that she felt warm _._

Rey struggled to find an image in her head to match whatever it was she felt when she saw Ben Solo. _A moth to a flame?_ No, Ben wasn’t a flame. He was a wall, solid, tall, and strong, and there was a hidden gate somewhere in the wall that he kept locked up tight.

A young scavenger, her senses and curiosity toughened and honed by years of combing through the ruins of old star destroyers, could never resist the challenge of a locked door.

“What do _you_ see when you think of me?” she asked him one day as they sat on the shore of one of Takodana’s lakes. The late autumn sun shone low on the horizon, and there was a thrilling crispness in the air Rey had never smelled before. It made her feel energetic and brave.

Ben, however, considered her question long and hard before replying. That was something else she’d learned about him: whereas she _needed_ to be active, _needed_ to have something to occupy her hands, _needed_ to feel like she was making _some_ progress in her Jedi training, Ben was quiet, laid-back, introspective. She could barely meditate for ten minutes, but he could lose himself so deeply in the Force, it was like he was on the other side of the galaxy. She said whatever was on her mind, with hardly any filter; he chose each word with care.

(She still wasn’t sure if that was because he was genuinely reserved, or if he was just afraid the cruel, condescending side of him—the side he still called “Kylo Ren”—might rear its ugly head.)

“Ben?” she asked, scooting closer to him in the browning autumn grass. “Did you hear me?”

He glanced sidelong at her, a smirk tugging at one corner of his mouth. “I heard you. I was just thinking.”

“And what did you think?”

He frowned slightly, turning his gaze back to the lake.

“When I think about you,” he said slowly, “I see…a tower.”

She blinked. “A tower?” She’d expected an island; after all, it’s what he’d seen when he searched her mind.

But he only nodded. “Yes. Like the one that used to be at the top of Maz’s castle.”

Rey snorted softly. “The one we’re trying to rebuild, I suppose.”

He chuckled. “I suppose. But there’s a room at the top, and I know you’re up there…and I _want_ to get to you…but I’ll have to climb. And it isn’t easy.”

“So…” Rey frowned, turning the two pictures over in her head. “I have to find the gate in your wall…and you have to make the climb to the top of my tower.”

He nodded. “Exactly.”

She scooted even closer, fingering the dark fabric of his sleeve. “How do you think we’re doing?”

Ben smiled a quiet smile that found its best home in his dark eyes. He leaned in and pressed his lips to her forehead.

“I think we get closer to finding whatever it is we’re looking for every day,” he murmured.

* * *

Maz had put them to work as soon as they landed on Takodana. It had been her only requirement when Leia Organa asked the wise old pirate to shelter her son and Luke Skywalker’s unlikely successor from Supreme Leader Armitage Hux.

“The least the boy can do,” Maz had said (not unkindly) “is help me repair the damage he caused to my home. Winter comes in three months. Ben Solo can at least help us rebuild the roof.”

So Rey and Ben—with BB-8 cheerfully rolling alongside them—left the _Millennium Falcon_ every single morning without fail and walked to the ancient castle. Maz’s intrepid and colorful followers had no idea they were in the presence of the fearsome Kylo Ren, nor did they seem too impressed by Rey’s new identity as “the Last Jedi.” As far as they were concerned, Rey and Ben were just two friends of Maz’s who’d offered their assistance. They had very few questions beyond that.

Rey was used to manual labor. Clearing rubble, stabilizing walls, and laying new brick and mortar all made for satisfying work, and far more interesting than the grit and grime of Jakku. But Ben, who’d raised in palaces and a Jedi temple and spent the last seven years of his life in one sterile ship after another, _wasn’t_ used to working with his hands like this.

He worked hard that first week. No one could’ve _ever_ accused him of shirking as he hauled massive chunks of stone and splintered wood, sweating until his hair clung to his red face. When Maz expressed a genuine concern that he wasn’t pacing himself, he simply said, “Just tell me what to do next.” When Rey told him to slow down, he gave her a black look from under his dark eyebrows and thunked another broken stone into her hover-barrow.

Not until the tenth night they spent on Takodana did he crack. He stretched himself out on his back on the floor of the _Falcon_ a few feet away from where she sat at the dejarik table, trying to read one of the Jedi texts. Rey looked up at the sound of a groaning whimper.

“Are you all right?” she asked, peering at him anxiously.

Ben closed his eyes, a crease between his eyebrows…and shook his head. She closed the book and approached him, kneeling beside him with her arms folded on her thighs.

“What’s wrong? Are you sick?”

Ben shook his head again, then spoke very, _very_ slowly. “Every bone…and muscle…and joint…is _dying_.”

Rey almost laughed. “You’re not dying. But working hard isn’t quite the same as working _out_.” She playfully swatted his muscled shoulder, trying not to remember _too_ vividly the fine sight he’d made when he appeared to her on Ach-To in nothing but his trousers.

Ben didn’t laugh, but he did smile faintly. As he lifted his arm and raked his hair off his forehead, however, she caught a flash of something raw and inflamed on his palm. She grabbed his hand and turned it towards her, gasping in genuine horror (and disgust) at the nasty sore on the base of his thumb.

“ _Ben!_ How long has this been here?”

He tugged his hand free. “It’s nothing. It was a blister, it burst—“

“ ‘Nothing,’ my foot! These things can get infected if you’re not careful. Trust me, I know.” She sprang upright. “Stay there. I’m getting the first aid kit.”

“Rey, I told you, it’s nothing—“

She paid him no mind: hurrying back from the ship’s supply drawer with antiseptic, salve, and bandages, she plopped down beside him again and began cleaning the sore. He grimaced and lay there stiff as a board, but otherwise refused to give any sign he was in pain—at least where his hand was concerned.

By the time she’d finished wrapped gauze around his hand, however, he seemed more relaxed.

“There,” she murmured. “All done.” She cradled his hand in her lap and gently kneaded his fingers. “Are you all right?”

He didn’t answer right away. He curled his fingers around hers, frowned up at her.

“How many times were you hurt on Jakku?” he asked.

The question startled her. “I don’t know. Millions of times, I suppose. I got plenty of these, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“How did you clean them?”

Rey shivered; the memory of one particularly nasty gash down the length of her arm still made her sick to her stomach. “As well as I could. There wasn’t much water to clean anything. Certainly didn’t have any antiseptic.”

He freed his hand from her grasp and brushed the backs of his fingers along her forearm. Her memories were obviously leaking through their mental connection; he could see the wound in his mind’s eye as clearly as she could.

“You were so alone,” he murmured. “My whole life I’ve had med-bots around me to take care of me if I had so much as a head cold, but _you_ …”

Rey shrugged, looked away. “Don’t obsess about it, it’s no…thing.”

Her voice trailed off, suddenly sheepish. Ben quirked an eyebrow.

“ ‘Nothing,’ my foot,” he said, low and meaningful.

Rey blushed. Slowly—and with a painful grunt—he eased himself into a sitting position facing her, took her hands, and ran his thumbs over her desert-roughened skin.

“I’ll let you take care of me,” he whispered, “if you’ll let me take care of you.”

Rey’s throat tightened; she dropped her gaze to their hands. “I hardly know _how_ to let you. I wouldn’t even let Finn hold my hand when he tried to protect me on Jakku.”

“That sounds like a story.”

She laughed weakly, remembering the mad chase across Niima Outpost. “It is. I’ll have to tell you sometime.”

“I look forward to it.” He leaned closer, forcing her to look up. “Just don’t brush it off when I want to…when I just want to be gentle with you. I don’t think you’re weak. This—“ he gestured wryly at the scar running down his face “—ought to be proof enough I _don’t_ think it. But you’ve never had anyone to take care of you and I don’t want that to happen to you ever again.”

Rey’s eyes blurred and burned. “Okay. So long as _you_ don’t brush it off when I see you hurt and want to patch you up. You don’t have anything to prove to me…and you don’t have to punish yourself by letting these things fester, either. Deal?”

He looked at her with those intense dark eyes of his, and she was pretty sure she could sense a wrestling inside him. Something was going on behind that wall…some dark, fierce conflict…

“Deal,” he said—though it sounded like it took a massive effort to utter that single word.

* * *

For weeks they worked at the castle every morning. Every afternoon, however, they headed back to the _Falcon._

They’d check the comm system for any heavily-encrypted messages from Ajan Kloss first. Occasionally they’d find an electronic parcel from Leia containing a promising update on the Resistance’s slowly-growing numbers…or a warning that Hux was in the general area…or a recording from Poe addressed to BB-8…or a long, rambling, cheerful letter from Finn.

Most days, however, the comms were silent. Those days, Rey and Ben would pull out the ancient Jedi texts she had stolen from Ach-To, spread them carefully on the table, and pore over them for hours.

Ben didn’t enjoy it at first. He scoffed at the texts and called them “a load of antiquated, oppressive garbage.”

Rey had been offended. “It can’t _all_ be garbage! You’re as bad as Luke, ready to toss _everything_ out the window just because it wasn’t perfect!”

The barb went home: Ben flushed angrily at the implication that he and his uncle weren’t so different.

“You know what, Scavenger? Maybe you’d want to toss it all out the window, too, if you were as disillusioned as _we_ were,” he snapped, slamming one of the books shut.

“Excuse me! I had my fair share of disillusionment when I first met Luke Skywalker, you big nerf-herder! But I’ll tell you something else, too. There were only two things that kept me going on Jakku: believing my parents would come back for me, and believing in the Jedi. Those stories made me want to live, and they made me want to be _good_ , and _brave_ , and _fierce—_ and nothing you or Luke could ever say will change that!”

Ben stared at her, and Rey threw herself back in her seat with a thud. The resulting silence was dark and thick as mud. It was the first time, she realized, that they’d really and truly squabbled over something.

Ben unfolded his arms and reached out, taking one of the fragile books and slowly opening it. Rey watched him, still glowering but too curious to look away.

“ ‘There is no emotion; there is peace.’ ” He pushed the book away, grabbed another one. “ ‘There is emotion, yet there is peace.’ Do you hear the difference, Rey?”

She hugged herself, still defensive, but nodded.

“Which version is right?” he demanded.

Rey hesitated. “I…”

“Luke embraced the first one, the one the Jedi Order of my grandfather’s day committed themselves to. They believed that if you could just detach yourself from your emotions, you wouldn’t be distracted by petty human desires or dreams. You’d be an effective champion of the Light.” Ben’s eyes flashed with anger. “They _crammed_ that garbage into my grandfather’s head from the time he was _eight years old_ , and when he fell in love with my grandmother he didn’t know how to reconcile his feelings with what he’d been taught. So he married her in secret…and when trouble finally came, he was so afraid to ask Obi-Wan Kenobi for help, he turned to Sheev Palpatine instead.”

Rey stared at him, shocked. She’d never heard this story. _So this is how Anakin became Darth Vader? Because he…because he loved…and he wasn’t_ allowed _to?_

“Now imagine _me,”_ Ben went on, flinging his hand at the books, “tormented by all kinds of fears from the time I was a _baby_ , being told that my fear and anger and confusion were all something I could just…banish by a sheer act of _will_. It didn’t make any sense to me. And every time I tried to detach my emotions, I felt like a failure…and the voices in my head told me to indulge them instead. I resisted for _twenty-three years_ , Rey. It was _misery_.”

Rey frowned. Carefully she probed the Bond, but he resisted her before she could try to access his memories running through his head. She drew back, respecting his obvious desire for privacy, and slid the second book towards her instead.

“But this one says ‘There is emotion, _yet_ there is peace,’ ” she said.

He nodded. “It’s an older version. From thousands and thousands of years ago.”

“Why didn’t the Jedi keep it?”

Ben scoffed wearily. “Apparently, after a female Jedi Knight fell in love with a Sith-lord, they decided emotions were too risky.”

Her eyes widened. “Wait, _what?!_ A Jedi and a Sith? Did she fall to the Dark or did he—?”

“As I understand it, he turned to the Light.” In spite of himself, Ben’s expression softened and he nudged her foot under the table. “But it must’ve scared the rest of the Jedi out of their minds.”

Rey bit her lip and looked at the spread-out books again. After a moment she pointed at the first one.

“That doesn’t work. Maybe it does for some…but I’d rather take a risk, be a _real_ person, and _love_ people than pretend I’m just a…a shell. What’s the point in fighting for the Light if you don’t love it? Or if you’re not angry about the cruelty of the Dark? I could never be like that. I’d rather _not_ be a Jedi than—“

 _Than not be allowed to love you_ , she thought, catching herself before she could say it out loud. But it bloomed in her head, and she hadn’t taken the precaution of shielding her thoughts…and she knew as soon as Ben met her gaze that he’d heard it in his own head. He dropped his eyes with a soft chuckle (and maybe even a slight blush) and folded his hands between his knees.

“So,” he murmured, “what will _you_ do, Last Jedi?”

She smiled. She slammed the first book shut and slid it to the end of the table, then drew the much more fragile second book close to her.

“We build ourselves a new world,” she answered.


	2. Play It Good and Right

“You need a teacher,” he’d told her on Starkiller Base—and he hadn’t been wrong. Of course, back then he had it in his mind to make her his Dark Side apprentice. Now he _was_ teaching her the ways of the Force, but for a far better cause.

Sometimes, however, his lessons were hilarious.

“Today we’re going to learn how to do a one-handed handstand,” he announced, a cold wind nipping at their faces as they circled each other in a forest clearing, “ _and_ lift BB-8 off the ground with nothing but your mind.”

Rey stopped short and laughed. “What?!”

He reached out and gave her braid—a new hairstyle for her, practical as her three buns yet softer around her face—a playful tug. “It’ll teach you to concentrate. Force knows you could use a sharper focus.”

She giggled and swatted a hand at him; he laughed and jerked away. They’d been on Takodana three months now, and his laughter came far more easily these days. Even Maz had mentioned—to Rey, not to him—that she sometimes heard it and thought it was Han Solo laughing.

Rey certainly thought he looked like his father whenever he flashed that roguish, one-sided grin at her. It made her heart beat wildly until she wanted to throw her arms around his neck and let him kiss her breathless—

She threw up her mental shields before he could detect her thoughts. _Focus, Rey_. Ben rarely kissed her here on Takodana, and when he did, it was almost always on her forehead or her cheek. The one exception, so far, had been at an evening bonfire at the castle site, when one of his fellow laborers—a man Ben had actually started to consider a friend—dared him to “Kiss your girl, show us how it’s done!”

There’d been a lot of playful kissing going on that night between some of the other Takodanans; it wasn’t like Ben and Rey had been singled out. But no matter how much they protested, their friends refused to take “no” for an answer. Finally Maz bellowed from her seat on a stump:

“Oh for heaven’s sake, we all know you’re mad about each other! Just kiss her, Young Solo, and be done with it!”

Ben and Rey had glanced sheepishly at each other. They hadn’t kissed like the Takodanans expected them to since the day they left Ajan Kloss. Rey half-expected him to chicken out at the last minute. He might laugh like Han Solo, but he wasn’t bold and brash like his father; he’d never kiss her here in front of so many people.

But then he took her face in both his hands, tilted his head, and kissed her with such total, unashamed passion, any and all coherent thoughts went straight out of her mind. She barely heard the approving whoops of their audience. All she knew was the warmth of his now-calloused hands, his deep voice filling her head ( _“I love you I love you I love you”_ ) _,_ and the roar of her own blood in her face, ears, and chest.

He hadn’t done again it in the two weeks since…but that didn’t mean Rey didn’t want it.

Thankfully, he gave no sign he knew where her thoughts were running. He just took his post a few steps from her, tucked his cold hands under his armpits, and nodded. Rey sighed, shoved the bottom of her tunic securely into her leggings, and threw herself into a handstand.

“Close your eyes,” Ben instructed, “and reach out. When you feel secure, lift one hand off the ground…”

Rey obeyed, remembering her first lesson on Ach-To and slipping effortlessly into a trance. Vaguely, she felt herself sliding one arm out from underneath her. Ben’s voice came to her as if from far away.

“Reach out to BB-8.”

The unsuspecting little droid squeaked in surprise as he lifted off the ground. Rey didn’t open her eyes, but felt a rush of quiet, steady confidence. Her palm, planted firmly in the dry, cold dirt, rose upward until she had her entire body balanced on her fingertips.

_The Force is with me…the Force is with me…the Force is with me…_

She heard footsteps, sensed Ben squatting in front of her. “Rey.”

She fluttered her eyes open and smiled at the sight of him upside down. “Hello.”

“Hello.” He grinned, pointed upward. “Look.”

She glanced around, still balancing…and her breath caught. She let her legs fall (simultaneously letting BB-8 float to the ground) and bolted right side up, her head spinning a bit as she stared up at the sky in delighted wonder.

“Snow,” she gasped. She laughed, held her arms out with her palms up. “ _Snow!”_

It wasn’t the first time she’d seen snow, of course—Starkiller Base held that infamous distinction—but now she could actually take the time to _revel_ in it. The flurries swirled downward, fast and steady. Rey giggled as they caught in her eyelashes, dotted her sleeves, and stung her nose—and Ben just watched her, a smile on his face, laughing softly as she and BB-8 pranced through the clearing in sheer, childlike exuberance.

* * *

That night Maz comm’d them and told them not to bother coming to the castle in the morning: the flurries had turned into a regular snowstorm and work would be impossible. The gaping holes in the castle roof had all been repaired, though; she and her merry band would be safe and warm, no matter what the cold winds dragged in.

Rey kept her face glued to the _Falcon_ ’s windowports until the sun went down. By the time she retreated to the captain’s cabin (Ben had insisted on taking the first mate’s early on, reasoning that since it had been built for Chewie it was more than large enough for all six feet and three inches of him), the wind howled outside the old freighter, and she could hear the heater struggling to keep up.

“We may have to give it some support in the morning,” she worried over dinner. “Snow is magic, but I’d still rather not freeze to death.”

“I’ll take a look before I go to bed,” Ben promised. “I was taking joyrides in this old rust bucket before I could walk. I think I can figure it out.”

She peered at him out of the corner of his eye. He was grasping, she could tell, for only his happier memories of the _Falcon._ It was hard work, keeping all the old resentments and heartbreaks from festering in his mind. 

Late in the night she woke up and heard him still tinkering down the corridor. The wind was _screaming_ , and for a moment she felt a sharp pang of fear in the center of her chest. She prodded the Force-bond sleepily.

Ben responded almost instantly. _“It’s all right, Sweetheart. It’s just the wind.”_

 _“It sounds like it’s going to tear the roof off the_ Falcon _!”_

 _“The_ Falcon _is fine. And I just fixed the heater. My Scavenger will stay warm and snug all through winter.”_

She smiled into her pillow. _“I’m the luckiest girl in the galaxy, then.”_

She felt his pride like a sunburst.

When she woke again, she was toasty-warm. She stretched luxuriously, wriggled her hand out from under her blankets to rub her eyes…and realized the wind was quiet. Surprised, Rey clambered out of bed, darted to the windowport—

And squealed in delight at the sight of softly-falling snow and a thick blanket of white outside the _Falcon_.

She wasted no time. Wearing nothing but her pajamas and with her hair streaming down her back, she bolted out of the cabin and down the corridor. She tested Ben’s door, found it unlocked, and opened it.

He was sound asleep (and much to her relief, wearing a shirt). She knew the worst possible thing she could do, after what happened to him with his uncle, would be to startle him, so she padded quickly towards him, laid a hand on his arm, and rubbed very, very gently.

“Ben,” she whispered. “Wake up, Ben.”

He jumped a little in his sleep, but didn’t jerk upright or summon his lightsaber. He rolled over, squinting in the pale grey light streaming through the windowport. “Mmmmph…what is it…”

“Oh Ben, it’s _beautiful!_ ” She grabbed his hand and tugged eagerly. “Come see!”

He came, still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Rey could hardly stand still as he peered out.

“Huh,” he mumbled. “What do you know…the sun’s up.”

“Ben!”

He grinned sleepily. “I know, I know, I see it…”

“I want to go outside, _right now_.”

“Hold on, I haven’t had my caf yet!“

It took a lot of poking, prodding, and begging to get him out the door—and he still wouldn’t step an inch outside until he made sure they’d both eaten and had something hot to drink. By the time Rey lowered the _Falcon_ ’s ramp they were both bundled in several layers of clothes, two pairs of socks, _and_ the heavy cloaks Leia had packed for them.

Rey raced down the ramp with a shriek; BB-8 followed with a joyous squeal. The snow was packed enough in most places for him to roll on top of it without a problem. Ben came more slowly, testing the snow with each step and holding his gloved hands at an awkward angle away from his sides.

“Oh, it’s _fantastic!”_ Rey cried, spinning with her arms extended. “It looks like magic! It’s—“

She screamed as a ball of packed snow suddenly smacked the side of her head. Ben threw back his head and laughed louder than she’d ever heard him. Eyes blazing with delight and mock vengeance, Rey dove into a squat and started gathering snow.

“You’ll pay for that, Ben Solo!’

He held out his arms in a challenge. “Try me, Scaven—!”

The snowball she hurled at him hit him right in the center of his chest with such force, he actually took a step back. Rey whooped, BB-8 let out a triumphant “ _WHEEEEEEEEEE!”_ and Ben simply laughed harder.

“It’s war now!” he shouted. Rey yelped and ducked as he threw another missile, taking the moment to gather a second one for herself.

For nearly half an hour the forests echoed with shouts, shrieks, and BB-8’s enthusiastic, binary cheering, and they didn’t stop until Rey could hardly catch her breath in the thin, frigid air.

“I…I give up!” she half-gasped, half-laughed. “I can’t do it anymore…I’ve got to rest…”

“Me, too,” he admitted, also laughing. “You put up a good fight.”

“I always put up a good fight.”

He grinned, shrugged. “True.”

He pulled off his wet gloves, sticking them into his pocket. A strange feeling suddenly came over her at the sight, and her smile faltered.

“What?” he asked.

Rey shook her head; the hood of her cloak had slipped down long ago, and her hair, damp with snow, clung to her cheeks. “Nothing. It’s just…that just reminded me of the first time you took off your gloves for me…and the second time, too.”

He said nothing, but his dark eyes flickered with understanding…and remembrance. He trudged through the snow towards her until he stood right in front of her and she had to tip her head back to look at him.

“That first time meant everything to me,” he said softly. “I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for that moment.”

She smiled, suddenly breathless in a way that had nothing to do with their snowball fight. “Do you remember how you promised me, the second time, that it really was _you_?”

“I do.”

She nodded. “That was the happiest I’d ever been in my whole life.”

He smiled—not the roguish grin, but the wide, happy smile that made his eyes crinkle and his dimples show—as he took her face in his hands. “And now?”

Her heart raced in delight. “And now I think _this_ moment may be the happiest.”

“So do I,” he whispered…and finally kissed her there in the snow the same way he’d kissed her at the bonfire.

* * *

The snow stayed for weeks. Just when it started to melt, another storm would blow through. More than once Rey, Ben, and BB-8 were stranded at Maz’s castle and had to spend the night among the irrepressibly cheerful, nosy Takodanans.

A male Mirialan took a marked interest in Rey one of these evenings. She didn’t even realize he was singling her out until she glanced in Ben’s direction and saw him glowering.

“What?” she whispered. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“He’s flirting with you.”

“What?!” Rey gaped at the Mirialan, who had gone back to the common table to bring her the emeya tart she’d been hankering for all night. “How can you tell?”

Ben responded simply by looking at her as if she’d grown a lekku. After that she tried hard to put her admirer off without being rude, and in the end, she was pretty sure he took the hint.

But Ben wasn’t so confident. That night Maz gave them soft, simple pallets to lay out in the castle’s common room with the rest of her followers. The room echoed with snoring and a few scattered whispers all night long, and they had no trouble…but Ben put his pallet _very_ close to hers and stubbornly refused to move it even when she complained that she was all but squished between him and the wall.

Finally they just lay flat on their backs next to each other, hands clasped over their stomachs, and stared at the dark ceiling. The ridiculousness of the situation got the better of Rey first: she giggled as quietly as she could. He turned his head towards her, she turned hers to him…and in the faint light cast by a smoldering fire across the room, she saw him grin.

“Just want to take care of you,” he whispered.

She remembered their conversation in the _Falcon_ months ago when she’d dressed his poor blistered hand. She reached up and touched his scarred cheek, so close to her own.

“I know,” she whispered back. “And I couldn’t feel more safe. G’night.”

He lifted himself just enough to lean over her and press a kiss to her forehead. “Goodnight.”

She slept like a baby. When she woke the next morning, it was to the realization that she was curled up on her side…but he was curled around her, too, with a strong, warm arm around her waist.

* * *

“Today is my birthday,” Ben said one afternoon—not as an announcement, but more like he’d just remembered it and blurted it before he could stop himself.

Rey looked up from her careful copying of the Jedi teachings they’d decided were most relevant in a new day and age. Ben had bartered some work on a friend’s broken blaster in exchange for a stack of blank paper and a couple of pencils. When they weren’t putting together the manual for this “new Order,” Rey had spent inordinate amounts of time sketching or improving her penmanship.

“Your birthday?” she repeated, excited. “How old are you?”

“Thirty.” He huffed a humorless laugh. “I haven’t celebrated my birthday in seven years. They meant nothing to Snoke.”

He bent his attention back to his lightsaber. He wanted to heal the kyber crystal inside, and Rey could sense his anxiety about it. Maybe that’s why he’d let his thoughts wander; he wanted to think about _anything_ other than the chaos and agony he’d wreaked on the galaxy with that saber.

“I don’t remember what day my birthday falls on,” she remarked lightly. “I _do_ remember how old I am…but only because I made sure to keep track of time on Jakku.”

He glanced up, twisting a screwdriver into a plate of the saber hilt. “How?”

“I scratched a mark on the wall of wherever I was staying, every single day, without fail.” She rested her chin in her palm, letting her memory drift back to searing-hot days and throat-scraping sand. “I stayed with Unkar Plutt for the first few years, and I made the marks on the wall under my cot where he wouldn’t see them. Then when I claimed my old AT-AT, I marked up the wall near the door. I know I’d just turned five when my parents left me on Jakku, so I just reckoned my age from that anniversary.”

Ben’s interest was at its height, she could tell. “You told me on Ach-To you were nineteen. Are you coming up on a…an ‘anniversary?’ ”

“I think so. But I’ve lost track of the days now.” Rey shrugged. “It doesn’t matter anymore, I suppose.”

For a moment, silence hung over the _Falcon_ work room. Rey began sketching a lazy outline of his lightsaber on an extra sheet of paper, wondering what the blade’s color might be once he healed the crystal. He said it had been blue before he bled it. Would it return to that color?

_I think I’d like a lightsaber of my own one day…not just Anakin’s, but one that’s MINE and MINE alone…_

“Maybe you should decide on a new date and celebrate _that_ as your birthday.”

She looked up again, startled. “What?”

“Well…” Ben set aside the screwdriver, frowning as he removed the plate. “You don’t remember the date, but why can’t you choose another one? One that means something to you? You already know how old you are, so it wouldn’t affect how you reckon your age…but it would help you mark the time anyway.” He paused, met her gaze. “And it would help you remember you had parents who loved you.”

She looked away, a familiar upswell of emotion building in her throat. “I don’t know that they loved me. They left me in a desert, with _Unkar Plutt_ —“

“Maybe they didn’t have a choice. You don’t know that they _didn’t_ love you.”

“ _You_ were the one who said they threw me away like garbage—“

“Oh stars above, Rey, don’t hold _anything_ I said that night against me.”

She allowed herself a quick, teasing glance at him; he snorted, shook his head.

“I want to believe,” she murmured after another moment’s silence, “that they loved me.”

He paused in his work. He laid the lightsaber hilt down and reached across the table for her hand, which she gave willingly. Immediately, she felt the ever-present hum of their Bond intensify.

“Then believe it,” he said. “Loving you isn’t a hard thing to do. Trust me…I ought to know.”

She blushed, dropped her gaze, and squeezed his hand. He squeezed back, then withdrew his hand and went back to his work.

“Tomorrow is my birthday,” she muttered.

He chuckled. “Good.”

“If it’s the day after yours, I’ll remember it.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“Don’t lord your ten years’ seniority over me, though.”

He laughed. “Don’t worry. Mom was ten years younger than Dad, and it didn’t make one bit of difference. We all knew who wore the pants in the family.”

For the third time in this entire conversation Rey looked up with a start—but there was no pain in Ben’s eyes at the mention of his parents. For once, it looked as if his memories were amusing him immensely rather than hurting him. Relieved, she doodled a light, swirling rendering of her name underneath the lightsaber sketch…

And furtively tacked on a short, four-letter surname so faint, only she could see it.


	3. You're My Achilles Heel

Spring arrived wild and luxurious. The snow melted, leaving the ground slushy but fertile: even with piles of stubbornly-lingering white lying around, Rey found crocuses and patches of emerald-green grass all around the _Falcon._ She went back to wearing just one layer of clothing. Whenever she stepped outside, she’d shake out her braid and let the soft, sweet-smelling wind catch her long hair.

“The world is beautiful and _I’m_ _in love with it!_ ” she cried one morning, running ahead of Ben and BB-8 on their way to the castle and spinning like a child.

Work on the castle had resumed, and Maz couldn’t be more thrilled. Ships were coming in to Takodana again: merchants, Resistance allies, fellow pirates, travelers looking for a scenic pit stop. Ben and Rey, well aware that Armitage Hux’s official declaration that Kylo Ren had died in the destruction of the _Supremacy_ didn’t necessarily mean he actually _believed_ Ben was dead, stayed as far away from any visitors as they could. And to their surprise, Maz’s people made sure no strange eyes saw them, either.

This protectiveness bordered anywhere from the ridiculous to the terrifying. One Correllian woman who took a motherly liking to Ben literally _shoved_ him underneath a table one morning to hide him from a particularly unsavory customer.

Another time, however, Maz came flying towards Ben and Rey as they perched on a new, sturdy wall, enjoying a quick lunch before returning to their work.

“All right, all right, Maz,” Rey said, “we’re almost done—“

“No!” Maz gasped. “Bounty hunters! They’re looking for you—you’ve got to hide!”

They needed no further encouragement: they clasped hands and _ran._ At first Rey had no idea where they were headed, but then she realized Ben was all but dragging her through one of the castle’s back passages, down a flight of stone steps, into the same dark, dank cellar where she once found Anakin Skywalker’s lightsaber.

“I didn’t know there was another way in here,” she gasped.

“I didn’t either until five minutes ago,” Ben whispered. “I just trusted the Force to lead us.”

“What about the _Falcon_?”

“She’s got the big tarp over her. Unless they go searching the woods—”

 _Voices_. Harsh, guttural voices…coming into the cellar. Ben grabbed Rey’s arm and jerked her into the shadows, squeezing the two of them behind several pieces of tarp-covered chests and cabinets. There was no other place to hide—but once again, she found herself caught between him and a wall. He was making a habit out of this…

“No sign of ‘em here,” one of the bounty hunters mutter. “I think this was a wild goose chase.”

Rey stared fearfully up at Ben. He met her gaze, a hard, determined look on his face.

 _“I will rip them to pieces,”_ she heard him growl in her head, “ _before they lay a finger on you.”_

_“Don’t talk like that.”_

_“I mean it.”_

_“Well, I won’t let them touch you, either!”_

“Hux wouldn’t pay us as much as he did if he didn’t have reason to think they were alive.”

“Hux is losing his mind. I don’t think reason is something to be counted on where he’s concerned.”

Ben raised an eyebrow. Rey raised both of hers in reply.

The footsteps moved closer, slow and leisurely, as if the bounty hunters were just strolling across the room. Ben leaned his head closer to hers and brushed his lips over her forehead.

“You will step away from this corner…” he breathed, closing his eyes, “…and you will find no one here.”

Rey let her eyes flutter shut, recognizing the steady command in the words and adding her own consciousness to the order. The bounty hunters stopped. She held her breath. Pressed so close to Ben, she could feel his heart pounding against her own. 

_You will step away from this corner and you will find no one here. Kylo Ren is not on Takodana. Neither is the Jedi, Rey._

“Come on…there’s nobody here.”

“Yeah. Bloody First Order. This was a waste of time…”

The footsteps retreated. Rey didn’t dare breathe until she heard them going back up the stairs on the other side of the cellar, back into the vast common rooms where, months and months ago, she and Finn first met Maz. Ben all but pushed her out of their hiding place, gasping for air.

“Come on,” he begged. “We’ve gotta get out of here—“

“No, wait!” she cried. “We stay here until we’re sure they’re gone. They won’t come back down here. We don’t want to run into them again upstai—!”

“I can’t stay in here, _I can’t!_ ”

His dark eyes were wild with claustrophobia and something else she couldn’t quite place…something she’d seen only once before…on Starkiller Base.

_Torment. Desperate, frantic guilt that found its outlet in rage._

Suddenly far more frightened than she’d been when the bounty hunters inched closer, Rey touched his hand. He drew a long, shuddering breath, screwed his eyes shut, and dug his nails into his palms.

“It’s all right,” she whispered. “It’s all right…come on, come sit over here…”

She coaxed him to a seat on the floor, backs against the wall. Ben folded his arms on his knees and dropped his forehead on them. Rey slid an arm around his shoulders and pressed herself close, trying to channel all the calm and reassurance she could into his mind.

Why was he so full of grief and horror, though? Nothing had happened. Why was he torturing himself?

* * *

She puzzled over the incident until he found her that night in the cockpit, composing a quick written comm for Leia telling the General what had happened.

“I wanted to kill them.”

His voice was ragged. Rey turned in the pilot’s chair and found him standing in the doorway, his face pale and drawn. He looked like he might be sick.

“You were scared,” she said slowly. “So was I, for that matter.”

“Yes, but _your_ first instinct wasn’t to tear them to pieces like an animal.”

“You wanted to protect me. And when the moment came, you used a mind trick on them.”

He met her gaze, haunted and miserable. “But it wasn’t my first _instinct_. I had to fight myself just to stay there with you. Everything in me wanted to see them dead on that floor, and then drag you back to the _Falcon_ and run away to the Unknown Regions—“

“ _Ben_. You can’t control every thought that pops into your head. All you can do is decide what to do with them once you recognize them!” Rey raised her eyebrows. “I would’ve killed them, too, before I let them drag you away from me. Don’t think for a moment that I wasn’t fighting those instincts _just_ as hard.”

He swallowed hard and stared at the floor. Rey sent the finished comm off, rose out of the chair, and wrapped her arms around his torso. As she nestled her head against his chest, he wrapped his own arms around her and rested his cheek in her hair.

“All of a sudden,” he whispered, “I understood why my grandfather went to the Dark for his wife.”

Rey tightened her arms and pressed her head hard into him. “But you _didn’t_ fall back to it, Ben. You may fight it all your life! _I_ may fight it all my life! That doesn’t mean we’re giving into it!”

“But every time I fight it like that…I remember _him_ …”

Instantly she saw the face he was thinking of in her own head. _Han Solo_. Grinning, mischievous, kindhearted, gruff old Han Solo. The man who’d come to her rescue. The man who touched his son’s face with love seconds before hurtling over the edge of a walkway…

Rey lifted her head and looked Ben in the eye. “You told me you saw him in a vision. On the _Supremacy.”_

He frowned slightly. “Yes…”

“He told you he loved you. He _forgave_ you, Ben. Your mother forgave you— _I_ forgave you! It’s time to forgive yourself now.”

He swallowed so hard, she heard the painful gulp. “I…I can’t…”

“You _have_ to. You’ll never be able to heal if you don’t.”

He shook his head, eyes down. “But I’ll never be able to undo it. I can rebuild castles, I can infiltrate any First Order stronghold, I can save as many of its victims as I like…but I’ll never be able to fix the fact that I killed my father.”

Rey’s throat tightened. Not for the first time, the realization that neither Jakku nor Ach-To had prepared her for Ben Solo’s raw misery nearly overwhelmed her. He was one of the legendary Skywalkers, broken from years immersed in the Dark Side; she was a nobody who never even had a friend until last summer.

But then she remembered Obi-Wan Kenobi’s admonishment, given to her on Ach-To: _“Watch for three dangers, young Rey: despair, anger, and fear. They’ve haunted him all his life, and he won’t be free of them overnight.”_ It didn’t matter who she was, what she knew, or how equipped she was. He’d told _her_ to watch over Ben Solo—and Ben wasn’t just angry with himself or terrified. In spite of all these months of peace, he was on the brink of losing hope.

Rey blinked back tears and unwound her arms from around him, taking his face in her hands.

“I know you can’t undo it,” she whispered. “But I know _you_ , Ben. I know you want to be a good man, just like I _know_ you can be that best version of yourself if you’ll just forgive yourself. But you won’t grow beyond Kylo Ren if you don’t do that. And I want you to do it so, so badly, it _hurts_ me.”

He reached up, tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

“You sound like Tai,” he murmured. “He believed in me…even when I’d given up any hope for myself.”

“He knew what he was talking about, then,” she retorted. “You’ve _got_ to let it go. Otherwise I’m terrified I’m going to lose you and I…I couldn’t bear that…”

“Rey.” He pulled her close again. “You won’t lose me. You won’t, I promise…”

She held on tight and closed her eyes, tears running hot and fast down her face—and suddenly saw the wall in her mind. _His wall._ She saw herself running alongside it, her hands fumbling along the tight, hard, cold rocks…

And then he was there, right in front of her. She saw him take her hand and press her palm against something hard, smooth, wooden. She met his gaze, startled. He smiled a sad but welcoming smile and guided her fingers towards…a latch.

And he finally let her in.

Rey gasped, clinging to him in the _Falcon,_ as thousands upon thousands of memories he’d never shared finally hit her. Ben as a toddler, lifting his toys off the ground without even realizing it. As a six-year-old, eavesdropping on his parents and his uncle while they discussed his powers in wonder and fear. As a nine-year-old, screaming himself awake after a nightmare, his terror so palpable it shattered the windows of his bedroom.

Ten: trying with all his might not to cry as his uncle led him away from his mother.

Twelve: aboard his uncle’s ship, telepathically conversing with the familiar, sickly-sweet voice inside his head.

Sixteen: self-conscious but proud of his growing strength…and the confidence his uncle placed in him.

Twenty: weighed down by the conflict between Light and Dark inside him, but trying not to show it to anyone, least of all Luke.

Twenty-two: learning for the first time—through the New Republic’s info-net, no less—that Darth Vader, the monster his parents and uncle fought, was his own grandfather. Absorbing it. Suddenly making sense of his inner torment. _Finally making sense of everything._

The memories grew steadily darker after that, so black and hideous that Rey shuddered in horror. Things she never knew he’d done, felt, seen, and ordered rose up before her. So many things he had to atone for. So many things he would carry with him for the rest of his life. 

But then she saw herself again, this time in his memory. A fierce, wiry girl with her hair done in three austere buns. A girl with fire in her eyes and defiance in her bones. A girl who wasn’t afraid of him, not in the slightest. She _despised_ him…but then she _wondered_ about him…and then she _cared_ …and then she _loved_ him.

 _Him._ The mighty Kylo Ren. Ben Solo, the Fallen Son.

 _“I’ll try,”_ she heard him whisper in her mind as his arms tightened around her. “ _I can’t promise you I’ll let it go today, or tomorrow, or even a week from now, but…but I’ll try to. I promise.”_

She stood on tiptoe and hugged him as tightly as she could. _“Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you…”_

He dropped his head in the curve of her neck and shoulder, and she sensed it: his acknowledgement that she was thanking him for far more than his promise. He’d let her in. He’d finally let her see and understand all the horrors and griefs he’d carefully shielded from her ever since they met.

He trusted her with all of it. And _that_ was the greatest gift of all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who may not know, Tai was Ben's most influential friend and fellow Jedi in the "Rise of Kylo Ren" comics. There's even a strong indication that if Ren hadn't killed Tai and sent Ben into a complete maelstrom of wrath and despair, Ben might've never fallen fully to the Darkness :(


	4. The Golden Age

They’d grown accustomed to each other over the past eight months. When they first arrived on Takodana they were still a little shy (and maybe even a little scared) of each other; now they knew each other like the backs of their own hands. They’d learned to recognize each other’s footsteps…a cough in the night…the edge in his voice when the Darkness was trying to get a foothold in his head…the lethargy that came over her whenever she missed her parents most. They barely blinked when their hands brushed. Kisses were _always_ breathtaking, but remained strictly rationed…almost as if he were holding her at arm’s length most of the time.

But after the night he finally let her in, everything shifted. It was almost as if the Force itself held its breath. The electric Bond between them felt white-hot and taut as a bowstring. Now when their hands brushed Rey felt a distinct jolt, just like she had in her hut on Ach-To. She felt him watching her when she wasn’t looking, and found herself staring at him when _he_ had his back to her.

Thankfully, none of this lasted long. It reached its breaking point within days.

She was working on their new “Jedi Manual” a week later—and he was flat on his back somewhere repairing the air circulator (again)—when she heard the comm system blaring from the cockpit. Rey leaped out of her seat and ran to the front of the ship as fast as she could.

“Rey here!” she cried, slamming her hand against the comm system console. “Rey to Ajan Kloss!”

In response the blue shimmering light beaming out of the comm port shifted, morphing into a small, four-inch-tall hologram. Rey’s smile lit up her entire face.

“Finn! Finn, can you hear me?”

Finn grinned back from ear to ear. “Loud and clear, Peanut. How’re you doing?”

“Fine, just fine. Went on a hunt this morning with Maz and took down what basically amounts to a sea serpent. Did you know there really are such things as _sea serpents_?! It was trying to eat all the little morro-bird nests on the shoreline. Maz wouldn’t tolerate it.”

Her first friend laughed. “You live in a world where Rathtars exist, Rey. Sea serpents are just one step up.”

Rey snorted. “True. I’d rather not meet up with either of them ever again, to be honest. How are you? What’s going on? It must be late on Ajan Kloss…”

“Yeah…it kinda is. But official Resistance business can’t wait.”

“ ‘Official business?’ ”

“Yeah.” Finn sighed, rubbed the back of his neck. “Some of the more media-savvy leaders here wanna make a few propaganda vids to send out to the galaxy. Commander D’Acy’s really been pushing it, and General Organa finally gave her the go-ahead.”

Rey wrinkled her nose. “Propaganda vids? Isn’t that a bit…First Order-y?”

“That’s what Poe said. But D’Acy made the point that while the First Order likes to crank ‘em out week after week, they’re not great quality. And Hux isn’t the most talented motivational speaker. Poe says he wouldn’t know how to crack a smile if someone asked him to.”

“I hear he’s gone crazy,” Rey said slowly, remembering the bounty hunters’ conversation.

“Yeah, that’s what we’re hearing from our contacts in the Core Worlds. Anyway Leia told D’Acy that if we’re gonna start making vids, she wanted _you_ to be front and center. You’re our rallying point—“

“No,” Rey blurted. “No no no— _Leia_ is our rallying point—“

“Peanut, Leia is _sick_.”

Rey froze.

“She’s never recovered from what happened before Crait.” Finn’s voice was low, worried, urgent. “She hasn’t told you, has she?”

“No,” Rey whispered. “Is she—“

“She’s frail. She’s cheerful as ever, of course, and she works as much as she can. But something’s not right with her. It’s almost like…” Finn hesitated, struggling for the right words. “It’s almost like the light’s going out. And she _never_ admits it. But she said today that she just can’t do this sort of thing with the vids—and she told D’Acy your face and voice would bring people courage they needed to stand against the First Order.”

Rey said nothing. Her head felt like it was spinning.

 _Leia is ill. She never told me. Every time she’s comm’d us she never gave me_ any _hint she’s not well!_

“Rey?” Finn prodded gently. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” _Liar_ , Rey thought bitterly. “How long would I have to stay for the filming?”

“It’ll only take a couple of days. Although…” Finn winced. “We _could_ use your help here. Long-term.”

“I know, I know…”

“I realize Maz has you training hard, but we really need you. And even more than that…we just miss you.”

Rey looked up, met his kind, pleading gaze.

 _He doesn’t know_. _Leia hasn’t told me she’s sick…but she still hasn’t told Finn who I’m really with, either._

“I miss you, too,” she murmured. “Let me think about this…and I’ll comm you in the morning, all right?”

“Sounds good. Take care, Peanut.”

“Goodnight, Finn,” Rey whispered.

He ended the comm. As soon as he was gone, Rey let out a shuddering sigh and flung her arms around herself. Leia was the closest thing she’d ever had to a mother. What if something happened to her before Rey and Ben returned to Ajan Kloss? What if she died before the end of the war?

_I can’t be the Resistance’s rallying point, I CAN’T, I’m not old enough or brave enough or SMART ENOUGH!_

But even more worrisome was the next possibility surging into her mind.

_What if something happens to Leia before she tells the Resistance about me and Ben?_

* * *

“It’ll just be for a couple of days,” Rey assured Ben that evening as she set a steaming bowl in front of him. “I’ll be back before you know I’m gone.”

He shot her a wry look. “I _highly_ doubt that.”

She tried to smile and sat down across from him. Out of sheer habit, she nudged his foot under the table. He nudged hers back and pushed the stew around the edges of his bowl.

“Did Finn say anything else?” he asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

She shook her head, shielding her mind as subtly as she could. “Nope. Just that they miss me.”

He lifted his well-loaded spoon and kept his eyes on it rather than her. “Do you think they’ll ask you to stay longer?”

She looked straight at him then, not even caring if he didn’t meet her gaze. “They can plead and beg all they like. I’m coming right back to you as fast as I can.”

He nodded silently, but she felt his relief wash over her. He took a bite…and suddenly his face contorted.

“What?!” she demanded a little hotly. “What did I do this time?”

He rolled the food around his mouth, trying not to swallow. “What did you put in this?”

“It’s just a couple of the stew packets, and that endo root Maz gave us yesterday.”

Ben raised one eyebrow. “Did you soak it?”

Her eyes widened. “Was I _supposed_ to soak it?”

He sprang to his feet and deposited whatever was in his mouth into the trash bin. Rey wasn’t sure whether to giggle or bury her face in her hands at the sight of him spluttering and coughing, but she was _quite_ sure her face was as red as the skin of that endo root by the time he came back to her, trying to catch his breath.

“Unsoaked endo root,” he gasped, laying one hand on her shoulder as he took her bowl away, “will make you puke for twenty-four hours straight.”

“What?! Maz didn’t tell me!”

He dumped the stew into the trash bin, scraping the bowl with great diligence. “Maz forgets I’m still trying to teach you how to cook.”

Rey opened her mouth…then shut it…and finally started to giggle. He shot her a suspicious look.

“What are you laughing at?”

She snorted, trying to stop herself. “Sorry, it’s just…all of a sudden I had this picture of you bending over the toilet and I…I had to hold your hair back…”

“Not funny, Rey.”

“I know, I’m sorry.” She pressed her lips together, turning an even deeper shade of crimson with suppressed laughter. “I won’t do it again. I will stick with pancakes and reconstituted stew. I promise.”

He straightened away from the trash bin and gave her braid a tug. “Then let’s make pancakes. They’ll give you some good incentive to come back here after a few days eating Resistance rations.”

She grasped at his sleeve before he could get away from her. “I don’t need any incentive. I’m coming back.”

He gazed down at her so tenderly, she thought he might kiss her right then and there. The Bond was certainly humming the way it always did before he kissed her, louder and more insistent than ever. But in the end he only touched the end of her nose with his fingertip.

“Good,” he murmured. “Because I don’t know what I’d do without you.” 

* * *

“You’re sure you don’t need a co-pilot?” he asked her the next morning as she prepped the _Falcon_ for takeoff. “I could always hide in the cargo bay like I did after Crait…”

“I don’t want to risk it,” she answered, her hands flying over the console. “The fewer lies I have to tell, the better.”

“She still hasn’t told them I’m alive, then.”

Rey couldn’t bring herself to look at him. She shook her head. “No…not that I can tell.”

“I wonder when she’ll decide it might be a good idea,” Ben grumbled. “The whole galaxy thinks I died on the _Supremacy._ What are your friends going to think when they find out I’m not only _not dead_ , but that I’ve spent the last eight months here with _you_?”

Rey paused then, forcing herself to lift her head. “Well, they’ll have two choices. Either they can accept you as Ben Solo, or they can forget about me being their so-called ‘rallying point.’ ”

He tipped his head to one side; the look on his face, coupled with the sight of his hands on his hips, reminded her so much of his father, it made her chest ache. “You can’t make that kind of ultimatum, Rey…not for me.”

“I can and I will,” she retorted, rising out of her seat. “I’m a packaged deal, all or nothing. If they want the Last Jedi, they get the Last Skywalker, too.”

She folded her arms over her chest, daring him to argue. He didn’t. He just shook his head, smiled, and ran his hands over her shoulders.

“You will be the death of me one day,” he murmured.

“I certainly hope not.”

He chuckled; she cracked a smile. The following silence quickly became uncomfortable.

“I guess—“

“I should probably—“

They stopped, strangely shy and awkward. Rey bent her head, not wanting to see the shifting look on his face.

 _“I don’t want you to go.”_ His voice was very soft in her head.

She unfolded her arms, fingered one of his vest buttons. _“I don’t want to leave you.”_

He tipped her chin back; she lifted her eyes, her throat tight and burning. _It’s only for 48 hours, 72 at the most— you’ll probably be back in time for dinner in just two short days!_ But it didn’t matter. They hadn’t been apart in eight months. It was the longest she’d ever been with anyone since her parents left her.

_I don’t want to go, Ben. I want to stay here with you forever and ever and ever…_

But then he crashed his lips against hers and she lost her entire train of thought. She drew a sharp breath as he tightened his arms around her waist and she wrapped hers around his neck—and suddenly he was kissing her so thoroughly and _deeply,_ she could hardly breathe.

They'd never kissed quite like this before, fierce and longing and _desperate._

When he finally drew back, they both gasped like they’d run all the way to the castle. Her face felt like it was on fire, yet she stared at him in unabashed, wide-eyed shock and wonder because she simply _couldn’t help it._ He looked like he wanted to say something but didn’t trust his voice. He leaned his forehead against hers and closed his eyes.

“Rey…” He breathed it like it was the most beautiful word in the galaxy. “Oh, Rey…”

“I love you.” Her whisper was hoarse. “I love you…I’m coming back…and then I’m never leaving you again.”

He said nothing for a moment, just opened his eyes slowly and gazed at her. Then he let her go and shoved his hands into his trouser pockets. Rey watched, curious, as he searched around. When he drew one hand out and grabbed her own, she wasn’t sure what to expect. But the sensation of something cold and smooth sliding onto her finger wasn’t even within the realm of possible scenarios that popped into her head.

“I’ve been carrying this around since we left Ajan Kloss,” he murmured, twisting it on her finger until he was sure it fit. “I’ve been waiting for the right…I mean…I didn’t want to give it to you until I was certain I wasn’t going to…revert…relapse…whatever the hell you want to call it…”

“It’s beautiful,” Rey said slowly, still confused.

“It was Mom’s. Dad gave it to her. The day they married.”

“Oh.” She jerked her head up, eyes widening even further. “Oh!”

He raised his eyebrows pleadingly. “Be with me, Rey?”

She half-laughed, half-gasped. “Ben…if you’re asking me this just because you’re afraid I won’t come back—“

“No, no, that’s not it,” he groaned, pressing their foreheads together again. “I should’ve asked the other night, when I showed you all my memories. But I love you, and I _want_ to love you till the day I die. Please, Rey… _please_ …”

She didn’t even need to think about it. She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him as tightly as she dared without strangling him. “Yes, yes—a thousand, _million_ times, _yes!_ ” She jumped down to the floor again, giddy and flushed. “How do we do it? What do we say? Can we do it now?”

He laughed. “No. If we did it now, you’d never get off this planet on time.”

“Why not?”

He raised an eyebrow. “Because I’d want to show you just how I much I love you _first_.”

Something about the way he said it made her insides do all sorts of strange, wonderful things. She felt like she was _radiating_.

“I’d better be going then,” she said, smiling so wide, it was hard to talk. “The faster I go, the sooner you can show me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the last chapter of "Brave the Wilderness," Leia gave Ben a very special ring ;)


	5. Something Good and Right and Real

As soon as Rey landed on Ajan Kloss she and BB-8 found themselves the focus on a full-blown welcoming party. Everyone rushed out of the cluster of metal buildings and sheds, and within seconds she spotted her favorite faces: Finn, Rose, Poe, Connix, C-3PO…Leia. The Princess of Alderaan and General of the Resistance _was_ frail, her eyes no longer as bright and quick as they used to be. But as Rey made her way through the cheering crowd to her side, Leia’s smile was as warm and motherly as it had been when Rey last saw her.

“You look wonderful,” Leia murmured, scanning her from head to toe. “And I can see you’ve been well cared-for on Takodana.”

Rey blushed. Poe, who’d enjoyed an enthusiastic reunion with his little droid, asked teasingly, “Maz feeding you okay, kid?”

“Oh yes,” Rey replied, flashing a smile. “And I’m learning how to cook, too. Though I nearly poisoned myself the other day…”

Poe chortled, Finn grinned from ear to ear, but Leia only raised a wry, knowing eyebrow…and Rey wondered if she knew about Ben’s culinary talents.

Sure enough, later that evening Leia leaned close to her in the base’s giant mess hall.

“Learning to cook, are you?” she murmured.

Rey smiled. “I have a good teacher. I just tend to get into trouble when I experiment on my own.”

Leia laughed softly, then reached under the table for Rey’s left hand, running her thumb over the slender gold band. Rey turned red, but kept her gaze fixed on the older woman’s face, not wanting to attract attention.

“How long?” Leia whispered.

Rey understood the question, but shook her head. “He only just gave it to me, right before I left.”

Leia’s eyes crinkled. She gave Rey’s hand a little delighted squeeze…then said no more about it.

* * *

That night, in the tiny room she’d been given for the duration of her stay, Rey sat down in the center of her cot, folded her legs, set her hands on her knees, and closed her eyes. Her hair hung loose and damp from her visit to the ‘fresher, and she wore the pajamas she’d brought with her from the _Falcon_. After all the reunions and catching-up with her friends, she felt warm, loved, relaxed, and even a little excited about tomorrow’s filming…except for one thing: Ben wasn’t here.

Even while she laughed and chatted with Finn, Poe, and Rose, she’d ached for her evening ritual of washing dinner dishes with Ben, talking about anything and everything. She’d missed seeing him smirk at her blunt opinions. She’d missed his low, deep voice as he told her about all the small, mundane things that had happened to him throughout the day. She’d missed the feel of his hand as he tucked her hair behind her ear.

She inhaled, exhaled, and focused on the Bond. It was still as strong and ever-present as it had been when she kissed him goodbye this morning.

“Be with me,” she whispered aloud. “Be with me.”

The Bond surged, and all the dim sounds of the base outside the room drained away. Rey opened her eyes with a hopeful gasp.

And there he was, standing at the foot of the cot with a plate of food in his hand and a startled look on his face that vanished with a brilliant smile and a breathless chuckle. Rey scrambled off the cot; Ben set the plate aside (eliminating it from her view altogether) and caught her in a crushing hug, lifting her clear off the floor.

“I’ve missed you,” she whispered, locking her arms around his neck. “I’ve missed you so much…”

He chuckled again and set her back on her feet, pushing her hair back from her face. “You’ve only been gone for half a day.”

“It feels longer.” She beamed up at him as he continued holding her face, running his thumbs along her cheeks and his fingers through her hair. “How was your day?”

“Uneventful. Maz put me to work repairing one of her hovers.”

“You’re becoming quite the mechanic.”

“Yeah, well…I’m not as good as you. Maz made that _very_ clear.” He ran his thumb along her bottom lip, and she shivered with delight. “How is my mother?”

Rey hesitated, then chose honesty. “She looks so small, Ben. I—I don’t think she’s well.”

He frowned. “What? What’s wrong with her?”

“I’m not sure, but I think she just hasn’t bounced back from Crait. I never would’ve thought, until I saw her…”

“Has she told them about us? That I’m alive?”

“No. Not yet. I won’t leave here without making her promise to tell them _soon_.”

Ben nodded, his eyes darker than ever and hard with frustration. Rey sighed, equally exasperated, but she slid her arms loosely around his neck again. His own hands came down to rest around her waist as he rested his forehead against hers.

“I’m glad we can do this,” he murmured. “I’ve thought about you all day…about what we’ll do when you get back…”

Her face warmed, but she smiled and said nothing, content to just listen to him.

“I told Maz. You would’ve thought I’d just told her a holiday was coming up.”

“What do you mean?”

“Let’s just say…” He lifted his head, looking down at her with a wry, mysterious smirk. “Maz will never turn down an opportunity to throw a party. We won’t be allowed to get married quietly.”

“ _Oh_.” Rey grinned, genuinely excited. “You mean we’ll have an actual wedding?”

“If she has anything to do with it, yes.” His smile faltered. “But do _you_ want that, Rey? Not everyone does, and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t.”

“Oh, I _do_ ,” she said softly. “I’ve only ever heard of weddings. I think it would be wonderful.”

He nodded once, firm and decisive. “Good. Then that’s that.”

“But do _you_ want it?” she asked worriedly.

He shrugged. “I’m happy with whatever you want. All I know for certain is that I want _you,_ every square inch of you, _desperately_.”

She blushed a darker crimson and leaned in to him; he immediately pressed his lips to her forehead, her cheek, her nose, and finally her lips. She returned his kiss without hesitation, never more grateful for their connection than she was right at this moment.

_What a long way we’ve come since we only used it to squabble and call each other names._

“I love you,” she whispered as soon as she could. “With all my heart.”

He opened his eyes, a smile tugging at his lips. “I love you more, Sweetheart.”

It was the last thing she heard him say before he faded away. 

* * *

The next two days were full of nonsense, in Rey’s impatient opinion. She let others brush her dark hair and tie it into three large, loose buns, an attractive (if fanciful) version of the utilitarian knots she’d worn on Jakku. She let herself be dressed in a pristine white tunic and brown trousers; she let some woman from Coruscant powder her freckled nose; she let herself be filmed striding alongside Poe, Rose, and Finn across a backdrop that would be replaced, with computers, by battlefield scenes. They were as non-plussed by the whole thing as she was, but Commander D’Acy and her media-savvy people seemed pleased.

Leia watched from the sidelines, quiet and keen-eyed.

When the last day came, Rey was chomping at the bit and trying her best not to show it. Her friends gathered to say goodbye. Finn and Rose hugged her as one, squishing Rey between them and producing, at least from the girls, a chorus of giggles. Poe shook Rey’s hand before pulling her into a rough, affectionate hug of his own. D’Acy thanked her for her cooperation. C-3PO complimented her for what felt like the millionth time on how well she looked, and instructed BB-8 to monitor communications between Takodana and Ajan Kloss.

“Okay, everyone, time to disperse,” Leia called over the commotion. “I need a moment alone with Rey before she heads off.”

Finn gave her one last squeeze; Rose kissed her cheek; Poe raised his hand, and Rey slapped it enthusiastically. The crowd thinned. Leia, holding a parcel wrapped in brown paper under one arm, linked her other arm with Rey’s.

“Tell me honestly, Rey,” she said, her voice low with concern. “How is he?”

Rey thought a moment before answering. “He’s wonderful, Leia.”

The older woman looked up at her, anxious. “You’re not just saying that to put my mind at ease?”

Rey laughed, shook her head. “No. I’m not. He’s doing _so_ well. I’m not saying there haven’t been hard days…or that he’ll never fight the Darkness in him ever again, but he’s _free_. And I don’t believe he would’ve given me this—“ she wiggled her finger “—if he didn’t think he was.”

Leia stopped, turning to face her. “And you? Are you free to give yourself to him like this?”

Again Rey paused before answering, searching her feelings with care. “I…yes. I know where I belong now. If I didn’t, if I was still searching for my parents and living my whole life for the moment when I’d find them…then perhaps not. But that doesn’t consume me anymore. I just want to be with him.”

“And the longer I keep you here,” Leia said wryly, “the longer you’re apart.”

Rey blushed. “No no, it’s not—“

“ _Rey_. I was young and in love once. I know how it feels. You can’t fool me.”

Rey blushed even harder. Leia smiled, handed her the parcel. As Rey took it, she realized in surprise that it was lightweight and soft.

“A word of advice,” Leia whispered, cocking an eyebrow. “Make sure to hang this up afterward. It wrinkles like you would not _believe_.”

“Okay.” Rey nodded, a little puzzled—but too concerned about something else to pursue the subject. “There’s one more thing I need before I go…”

“Anything. Just name it.”

Rey looked the older woman in the eye, willing herself to speak firmly. “I need you to tell them—“ She nodded over Leia’s shoulder at her friends. “—that Ben Solo is alive. That he’s with me. That he’s on our side. And that I love him.”

Leia’s brow furrowed. “I don’t know if it’s time, Rey. If the news gets off Ajan Kloss…if Hux finds outs…”

“Hux is bound to find out somehow,” Rey pleaded. “But I don’t want this to be kept from my friends anymore—and neither does Ben. It’s time, Leia. We both want this. And besides, if they find out now it’ll give them time to…adjust.”

“Before you come back here, you mean,” Leia prodded.

Rey bit her lip and nodded, thinking suddenly of Finn. He would be stunned…maybe even a little angry. If she could avoid facing his anger outright, if she could give him a little time to absorb the fact that she had fallen in love with the man he only knew right now as Kylo Ren, it would be easier for both of them in the long run. Easier for Ben, too.

“I’ll tell them,” Leia whispered. “If not today, then soon. Very soon.”

Rey breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

Leia smiled, her eyes crinking at the corners. She drew Rey close, kissed her on both cheeks, then waved her off into the _Falcon_.

Only after she’d sent the old freighter off into hyperspace did Rey open the parcel. Her mouth fell open at the rippling, delicate white material that slipped out of the paper and into her lap. A note fluttered out of the folds; she caught it before it hit the floor.

> _This was my mother’s. It’s one of the few things of hers I’ve carried with me ever since I fled Chandrila several years ago. I am quite sure she would want you to have it. Leia._

Rey jumped out of her seat and held the gown up to herself. BB-8, rolling into the cockpit, chirped in surprise.

“What do you think of _this_ , BB-8?” Rey asked, laughing. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

“ _PRETTYYYYYYY!”_ squealed the little droid.

Rey laughed again. She had never seen—let alone _worn—_ anything so beautiful. For once in her life, she might actually feel like a true princess.

* * *

As soon as she landed on Takodana she knew she was in for yet another welcoming party, though the sight of this one released a whole swarm of butterflies in her stomach. She shut off the _Falcon’_ s engines, opened the side hatch, and hurried out of the cockpit with BB-8 as fast as she could—

Only to run into Ben in the middle of the corridor. He’d sprinted into the ship to meet her, but now they froze at the sight of each other, his dark eyes roaming from the thin lace veil draped over her hair to the hem of the beautiful ivory-colored gown. Rey dared not move or speak, though she felt like she might go up in flames under his intense gaze.

“Your mother gave it to me,” she whispered. “It belonged to your grandmother, and I—I thought I’d go ahead and put it on.”

His gaze dragged back up to her flushed face. “My mother…carries _her_ mother’s wedding dress around?”

Rey giggled breathlessly. “Apparently so.”

He closed the distance between them in two strides. “You’re the most beautiful pilot I’ve ever seen.”

She giggled again, and he caught her in a kiss that left her trembling from head to foot. When he finally pulled back he caught her hand and drew her down the corridor, looking so proud and excited that she laughed, lifted her skirts above her ankles, and broke into a run.

* * *

Rey never remembered much of that day, except for a few vivid moments marked by solemnity, merriment, and breathless anticipation.

She’d always remember Maz’s tender eyes as the fierce, tiny old woman heard their unrehearsed exchange of promises. She’d always remember, too, the way Ben held her hands and her gaze as he swore he’d never, _ever_ leave her…and the way she choked on tears as she swore, by all the stars, that she’d love him till she died…and the way their friends cheered and whooped as he took her face in his hands and kissed her.

He’d been right, of course: Maz and her followers _never_ wasted an opportunity to celebrate. But by the time the sun sank beneath the Takodanan mountains, Rey and Ben had already slipped away and run back to the _Falcon_. She set BB-8 up to charge at his port, turned off the comm system just for tonight, and took Ben’s eager hand.

Much later, they held each other in the moonlight; neither spoke, content to communicate without words while they grew steadily more drowsy. Rey nestled her cheek against her husband’s chest and gently ran her fingers over the long scar still trailing down from his face.

“When we first came here,” she finally whispered out loud, “you said you saw a tower in your mind whenever you thought of me.”

He folded her hand in his much larger one. “I did.”

“And I saw a wall when I thought of you.”

He lifted her hand and kissed it reverently. “Yes.”

“You led me to your gate.” She tipped her head back so she could look at him. “Did you reach my tower?”

He smiled—a true, gentle smile—and stroked her cheek with the backs of his fingers.

“I knew I had when I boarded the _Falcon_ this morning,” he whispered.

She smiled back at him, soft and dreamy, and closed her eyes as he shifted onto his side and pressed his lips to her forehead. She knew exactly what he meant. He’d known as soon as he ran aboard and saw her in that gown that she was ready to give him _everything_.

And he had never been more right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that sets the stage for my Rise of Skywalker re-write...which I am currently working on ;) 
> 
> Until next time!


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